sunday morning rain is falling*

Diary by J

I needed to buy food today, but laziness got the better of me. Laziness, and the ever-nagging compulsion to avoid other human beings at all costs.

I could always buy groceries online anyway. I started filling a virtual grocery cart, but it hit me that

1) the delivery fee was too expensive, and

2) I had not left my apartment in almost a month.

Fresh air? I don’t know her.

And so I tried my darnest to haul my butt out the door today, I really did. I even pep-talked myself like a crazy-ass lukaret.

Okay, Jolens, ikaw babae ka, ikakamatay mo ‘yang hindi mo paglabas ng bahay! Hindi ka na gumagalaw e! Kung hindi ka nakaupo sa tapat ng computer, nakahilata ka sa sofa! Ano na? Ang bata-bata mo pa, barado na ‘yang mga ugat sa puso mo! Gumalaw ka! Lumanghap ka ng sariwang hangin! Magpa-araw ka!

For a split-second there, I swear I almost succeeded. I almost got myself to wear some clean clothes, tie my messy hair up, and get the car engine running — until of course I got side-tracked again by my admittedly irrational fear of the so-called Outside World.

Nothing good ever happens when I leave the apartment. Nothing! The last time I left the apartment, I got into an accident and scratched my car. Absolutely my fault. I also got a parking ticket, which cost me $100. I wouldn’t have scratched my car and lost $100 had I stayed at home that day.

Okay, fine, these costly shenanigans don’t happen to me all the time. Cooping up in my apartment is just easier, you know?

“But is that the kind of life you want to live?” Jolens asked Jolens.

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Look. I am well aware that I will 100% regret this reclusive lifestyle at some point. One day I will wake up with saggy boobs and a sore back, and I will look back to the days when I decided to do exactly what I am doing now.

Hey, future Jolens. If you’re reading this, umm…sorry, I guess?

And that’s another problem, eh? I worry about the future — ikakamatay mo ‘yan, pagsisihan mo ‘yan — without doing anything about the present. I am a lost cause, aren’t I?

Anyway, going back to the grocery dilemma, I think I still have enough food to last me another week.

Also, for what it’s worth, the view outside my window isn’t bad at all.

1. I wrote the post above last Sunday.

2. I ended up ordering groceries online the following Monday.

3. I am writing these numbered notes on a Saturday as I go through the exact same struggle. This time it’s not about groceries — I ran out of coins, and I need them to do my laundry. Do I go to the bank to get barya today? Or do I stay indoors and just suck it up? Hmm….

*apologies to Maroon5

12 Comments

  2. Rica
    Reply

    I get this feeling. Baka effect na rin ng pandemic talaga? I used to love taking a stroll especially when I want to take my mind off stressful things. Kahit pa sa busy streets and polluted air ng Manila, naglalakad ako pag gusto ko ng alone time. But now, I can’t even walk outside my house. 🙁

    Btw, your food looks appetizing and healthy!! 🤍

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ofbutterandbatter
    Reply

    Kumusta ka na ngayon? Lumalabas ka na? Here in Manila, medyo we are trying to make do of whatever it is na makaka pag pa feel normal samin. Masyadong exagg ang rules pag may new strain tapos pag kita mo sa labas parang di naman nag-iingat ang madlang people. Ang tagal na naming naka kulong because of abnormal rules and poor implementation 😦

    Hopefully, things will get better real soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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