January

WHAT IS it about revolutions around the sun that triggers strange sentimentality in people?

I’ve been a cynic my entire life that for so long, temporal markers have done nothing to me and my jaded butt. Why care about resolutions, anniversaries, and even birthdays when everything is doomed to end anyway? I think the great absurdists of my time had a point when they asked, “ano pang point?”

But when the calendars changed about a month ago, I realized that maybe this “why bother” attitude is an entire demon on its own. Mary Oliver (bless her soul 😢) was right: darkness, too, can be a gift.

And so I decided to keep a monthly log. The goal is to have a steadier grip on my emotions, and maybe to force myself to track not only the lows but also the highs. The cynic in me doubts that I could sustain this pseudo-project for an entire year but what the hell, man. I might as well try.

Now how do I begin?

I think my year has started on a steady note. Sakto lang, as they say, with only a few minor (but still notable) victories.

This month, for instance, I finally gained the habit of washing my face every night. I just recently started accepting the fact that I’m not getting any younger and, more importantly, I now understand that the world demands more from women’s faces. Taking care of my skin is like an unwritten social requirement, and I guess it’s a good thing that I now know how to do it.

I also went out with friends a few times this month. I started saying “yes” more often, which is yet another quote achievement unquote.

Funny, because just last week when Pat invited me to a buffet dinner, I was struggling to come up with excuses to say no. And then I remembered what DJ said in a letter, something about how keeping friends becomes harder the older we get. (It does, doesn’t it?) And so against my self-imposed hermitdom, I decided to go out with Pat’s gang and — to my surprise — I actually had fun. Nice.

Lastly, when my boss informed me on Friday that HR is hesitant to extend my contract, my intuitive reaction was, meh. I know they need me, and I know they’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who can replace me. Is this what (over)confidence feels like? To be so secure of myself despite the impending uncertainty — wow. Who have I become?  

If this HR thing had happened a few months back, I would have sulked in a corner and questioned own skills and my entire being. But this month, in the first month of the new year, I realized that I have gotten to know myself better and to like myself a little more. Can this be considered character development? Charos.

But I know for certain that this is bound to change; my self-esteem, as always, is bound to fluctuate. So maybe this post isn’t just a recap. This is also a note-to-self, a kind reminder for the inevitable slumps and future moments of sorrow that, at some point this year, I actually felt self-assured. #

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The featured image is some lazy cat photo from Pixabay.

And — this isn’t related to anything at all — but I really like the song Persistence by Banna Harbera. Look it up on Spotify. Ganda! ❤