Sunday Night Worries

I HAVE A presentation to do tomorrow and it’s about the technical report that I submitted last week.

My supervisor has yet to give me feedback on what I wrote, but I am 100% certain that it’s all hard, solid bullshit. I simply didn’t understand what I was writing about. And tomorrow, when I present that shit in front of the team, they will finally realize that I practically know nothing about the topic. Hayayay.

A part of me just wants to chill and focus on what’s present. Be objective, they say. Address the things you can change and forget the stuff that you have no control over. Understand the facts and start from there.

Fact 1: the boss (who recently got sacked) wanted me to do a presentation so I could practice speaking in front of people. He thought I was too shy.

Fact 2: my presentation, however shitty it may be, would not cost the company any money. No clients would lose millions and no breakers would explode. I would just be wasting 30 minutes’ worth of my teammates’ time, that’s it.

Fact 3: I have been clocking my hours on this report, which means that the company has been paying me to do this bullshit.

The last fact may be the only real concern, actually. Tomorrow would be the Judgment Day during which I expose how useless I’ve been in the last couple months. They will realize how incompetent I am and — psh, now I’m back to worrying about assumptions, not facts.

Luckily my contract ends at the end of the month. I don’t see myself coming back to work here either; I know I don’t fit in. I already have good references from previous jobs and, to be honest, I am all set to leave. I shouldn’t be stressing at all, should I? Tomorrow is another day — I speak, I take a beating, then I suck it up in the next three weeks. I’ll live.

Still, it’s moments like this that make my limbs feel unpleasantly weak. To know that you know nothing, to realize that you are not as competent as you’re supposed to be — it’s enervating.

Yesterday I was flipping through my journal and I read a note that I wrote many moons ago:

Sad: having a bad day and having no one to tell about it.

It’s true. I often worry about failing and amounting to nothing, but the only recourse I have is to lie on the bed and crouch into a fetal position. A writer was right: there is always the fetal position.

But I guess I can’t be lying on the bed forever, ya? I have to pull myself together at some point. I need to practice for my presentation tomorrow, jusko. I will suck for sure but I might as well do what I can and make the most of what I know. Hayayay.

The featured image has nothing to do with the post but it’s the last available sketch in my drive. I also apologize for all the awkward whining — kinakabahan lang talaga ako. 😦


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