October

Diary by J

“That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every mistake, every word, all of it.”
– Joan Didion, “Goodbye To All That”

When I realized that my dismal academic performance in October would most likely delay my graduation, I broke down.

But it wasn’t immediate, the breaking down. Sometime in mid-October I started getting back my exam results — all failing grades, all below class average — but I didn’t cry just yet. There were moments when my chest would feel an aching tug, but I also had other exams and other assignments and other reports to worry about.

For three weeks I stayed late in the library grinding problems that took me hours to solve. There were days when I simply did not go home. I slept on swivel chairs and took showers in the university gym just so I could make it to class on time the next day. Unfortunately living closer to school is too expensive for my budget. My part-time salary is just enough to cover the bills at home, and the rest of my savings are already allotted for tuition.

So I was always tired last month, always trying to catch up to lessons that were already beyond what my brain could understand. To console myself I started a routine of catching a movie every Friday night — a small reward, sort of, because I like movies and I like quiet spaces and I tend to find solace in near-empty places.

It was one Friday night during the drive home from the cinema when I finally broke down. Something about that night broke me, and suddenly all the Disappointments and the Frustrations and the Sadness were too volatile to contain. I bawled alone in the car that windy autumn evening.

Everything fell apart after that Friday. Instead of spending my nights in the library, I started going home after school without doing any schoolwork. I started skipping classes too. I have not gone to any of my classes in the last two days. Bakit pa ako mag-aaral e hindi ko rin naman mage-gets? Bakit pa ako magpupuyat e ibabagsak ko rin naman ‘yung test? I lost all the motivation to try harder.

I don’t know if I could regain the strength to go through this thankless cycle again. I already dread waking up every day, and most days I just hope for the world to finally perish. (I also feel bad for thinking this, knowing that there are people out there who live in dire conditions and are already being treated like perishable objects.)

In any case, that was how my October went. Ayoko na pagod na ako, is all I’m trying to say.

29 Comments

  1. mumubechy
    Reply

    I wish you lived close by. Dadalhan kita ng siopao. Hindi ko masasabing magiging okay rin ang lahat kasi this won’t feel true to you right now. But, alam mo email ko, alam mo insta ko, alam mo kung san ako hahanapin, kaya wag kang mahihiyang lumapit sa akin kung kailangan mo ng someone na makikinig sa’yo. Napagod rin ako ng sobra minsan at kung ‘di dahil sa pamilya ko, sa jowa ko at sa counselor sa school, baka matagal na akong nag-give up. Iniisip ko na lang lagi na ang laki ng hinihingi ko from the universe kaya malaki rin ang hinihingi nito galing sa’kin. Sana maging komportable rin ang mga buhay natin someday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jolens
      Reply

      Haaaay Bess. Sana nga balang araw mag-stabilize din ang lahat. At this point kasi di ko man lang alam kung ano ang hinihingi ko sa universe e, pero haaayyy. Salamat sa pagiging bukas ng DM’s mo a! Means a lot huhuhu. 😔

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Carmina Mones
    Reply

    Virtual hug, Jolens. Minsan pag ganyan gusto ko na lang din sisihin yung retrograde hahaha. Pero totoo, galit lang yata talaga sa ‘tin minsan ang universe. Tayo naman ang taya, ganyan. Iinom kita mamaya. At sabi nga ng Ben&Ben at ng mga tao, all will be alright in time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jolens
      Reply

      Salamat Minagurl! Haaay, ang tagal ko na ring ‘di umiinom. Sana malampasan ko na nga ‘tong part na ito ng buhay ko para pwede na akong maging “adult.” Gusto ko na ring makabili ng kutson na may disenteng thread count e. Charot haha mga ganyan natututunan ko sa libro mo e! Hahaha. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Carmina Mones
        Reply

        Adult ka na! Part ng adult life yang pinagdadaanan mo hahahuhu. Kaya natin ‘to, Jolens!!!

        Bat puro may kinalaman sa kama ang napupulot mo sa libro ko? Haha! In fairness, gamit ko ngayon yung may matino kong thread count na beddings, iba talaga e. Glued ako sa kama hirap bumangon lol

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Jolens
          Reply

          Kasi ang hilig-hilig kong matulog! Hahaha. ‘Di pa ako maka-relate d’un sa pagba-budget kasi lagi naman akong kapos e, hehe.

          Sana makatulog din ako sa kumportableng kutson balang araw! 😀

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Carmina Mones

            Makakaraos din tayo, baks. Haha! Unti-untiin natin yang mga ganyan. Lol. Huy, pahingi pala ng feedback kung may time ka para mas ma-explore pa natin ibang aspect na pwedeng gawan ng “idiot’s guide” hahaha
            Ayan. Kausap ko housemate ko. Magmeeting na raw kami sa podcast na yan lol pag-isipan raw namin haha

            Like

          2. Jolens

            Uuuuy! Anong klaseng feedback ba? As in general comments? Or parang listahan ng posibleng topics na pasok sa “idiot’s guide to adulting” genre? Yeheeez, may niche ka na talaga mars!!! 😀

            Off the top of my head naiisip ko oks siguro ‘yung relationship-related? Hindi lang tungkol sa paghahanap ng kasintahan a — kabilang na rin ‘yung pagkakaroon ng mga bagong kaibigan, ganyan.

            Tingin ko nga may dearth sa “adulting” resources na nag-eexplore sa online friendships e. ‘Yung mga pagkakaibigan na nagsisimula sa pagiging Twitter mutuals, sa pagiging members ng parehong FB groups, etc. ‘Yung usual na atake ay either may kinalaman sa pagiging mababaw ng “connections” na na-establish over the internet, o kaya tungkol sa safety risks and concerns (baka mamamatay-tao pala ‘yung kausap mo sa DM’s, ganyan). E feeling ko pa naman having internet friends is more common than people would like to admit — o ako lang ba ‘to? Haha.

            Dami ko nang sinabi. In any case, bibilhin ko pa rin ang mga susunod na libro mo! At aabangan ko ‘yang podcast! Yaaay! Hahaha. 😀

            Liked by 1 person

          3. Carmina Mones

            Hahaha grabe ung niche! Iniisip ko nga level 2 nung sa finances din. Kasi ang dami pang pwedeng i-explore even yung pagbili online mga para mas maka-save ka pa haha pati savings in general. Ganda nung MP2 nung PAG-IBIG balak ko magkuha ng ganun din.

            Lamo yang sinabi mo about meeting online friends sakto rin kasi may mineet akong online friend nito lang tas kagabi may kachat ako na Multiply days pa lang nagfo-follow na kami sa blog ng isa’t isa haha baka matuloy kami magkita lol. Gusto ko na nga makita un kasi dami niya na ring nameet dahil sa couchsurfing, ayos na resource person ‘di ba? Pero kung ganyan kailangan talaga ng saktong tao na may pro tips kasi ewan ko good judge of character lang ako tingin ko so matitino ung nami-meet ko? Wuw. Hirap i-explain pero talent ko yata yun.

            Explore pa tayo ng ibang ideas parang masaya nga kasi siyang gawin. Iniisip ko nga anthology pwede rin e haha! Parang collections lang ganyan. Sarap pa niya i-explore! 😀

            Liked by 1 person

          4. Jolens

            Omigod lakas maka-adult ng PAG-IBIG! Hahaha. Oo, ganda ‘yan! Oks din ‘yung mga tips sa pagbili online!

            Kung may maisip pa ako share ko sa ‘yo hehehe. Migahd abangan ko ‘yang anthology na ‘yaaaan! 😀

            Liked by 1 person

  9. rAdishhorse
    Reply

    Keep smiling, keep shining
    Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
    That’s what friends are for
    For good times and bad times
    I’ll be on your side forever more
    That’s what friends are for

    Not really true, that above. But I hope you get the 80’s reference even if you’re maybe too young to get it (shit, I’m old). Or maybe not. But I guess this is how the internet works. People feel better just by telling people, OK Boomer. Go for analog hugs, too. Not just digital. This doesn’t make sense, does it?

    Liked by 1 person

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