December

Diary by J

I baked chocolate chip cookies on Christmas Eve. I also ate turkey and spaghetti, I drank wine, and then I watched a movie before going to sleep at around 4am on Christmas Day.

My sleep cycle is still whacked. Luckily I don’t go back to school until next week so I can go to sleep whenever I want. Overall I feel much better now than I did last month.

I still have to go to the clinic to get another blood test done. Sometime in December I did what the doctors call a Lung Function Test, and the technician told me that the results do not suggest I have asthma (“but it doesn’t completely rule it out,” she said). This new blood test will determine if my seasonal shortness of breath is caused, not by asthma, but by allergies.

My hypochondriac mind is telling me that maybe I have some undiagnosed lung disease. Can blood tests detect cancer? I’ve been coughing my lungs out for almost 10 years now, so — psh, who knows?

Anyway, I was supposed to meet with H sometime before Christmas. Pat also asked me to join their house party but I didn’t show up. I felt better this month, but I was still not in the mood to socialize.

I’ve been reading up on depression and other mental health issues and I think — I think I may be depressed. I haven’t talked to a psychiatrist yet, but I think if I walk into a mental health clinic I will tick all the signs and qualify for an official diagnosis.

It’s easier said than done pala, ‘no? Talking to a psychiatrist, I mean. I’ve been second-guessing myself, wondering if I’m just being extra burgis and extra tamad so I end up blaming my own incompetence on mental health stuff. Hayyy.

To distract myself I wrote some new shit over the holidays. I also revised a few posts in my Drafts folder and I would probably post some of them in the coming days. I still have a number of tasks to complete before school starts — it sucks, but that’s just life.

Hopefully 2020 will be a better year for me. To borrow the words of uber-optimist millennials: I am claiming it. In 2020, I will earn my engineering degree; in 2020, I will use up the last set of my Invisalign trays; and in 2020, I will be more financially stable so my dad can finally retire from work.

Ah, so much hope! But isn’t this how one must welcome the new decade? The planet is melting and despots are ruling the world. There’s so much more we can do, but I guess we can all begin by recognizing the problems and believing in change. Or by being kind to everyone including ourselves — that wouldn’t hurt, too.

Have a happy new year, kids! 🙂

12 Comments

  1. Kim Z.
    Reply

    I Jolen! I hope you had a merry Christmas. 🙂 Happy new year in a bit! (PH time) 🙂 I don’t know what magic you used kasi you were able to leave a comment on my post na nasa draft pa hahahaha (bcos no featured image yet). Great drawings btw!

    Like

  4. Verdigris
    Reply

    “…extra tamad so I end up blaming my own incompetence on mental health stuff” same, ate, same. 😭 I want to suggest you go have a check up to be sure pero ako mismo hindi ko ginagawa so I just wish you decide on something that would help you to feel better. I’m really wishing you good health this 2020, health in all forms possible hehe 😂 Happy new year po! :)))

    Liked by 1 person

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