sure. wait. what?

I went to a paint night event the other day and the organizers made us do this ice breaker thing in which everybody had to ask each other questions like, “so, what do you do for fun?”

What movies do you like?

What kind of music do you listen to?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I hate ice breakers and I hated answering those questions. I visibly cringed at each prompt, which was weird because I answer similar questions on this blog all the time. Liebster Awards, movie tags, book tags — like, all the time.

So what’s wrong with me, man? Why do I feel so uncomfortable answering get-to-know-you questions when talking to actual human beings?

I think it’s because, one, my hobbies are not interesting enough to talk about (blogging? really?); and two, my answers to most of those questions are quite, um, culture-specific? Is that a thing?

I think it’s a thing. When people ask me about my top three musical artists, for example, my list will always include the Eraserheads. It’s true and it’s honest, but people around here don’t really know Eheads, do they? They would probably just ask who they are, and I would say they’re a band from the Philippines, and they would say “cool” or “nice” or some other polite response and the conversation would move forward. I’d rather skip that unnecessary back-and-forth and just go straight to moving forward.

I wouldn’t mind talking about the movies that I’ve seen or the movies that I’d love to watch, but most of these films are Filipino films, so I’m assuming, again, that no non-Filipino person would ever be interested in hearing about them. I mean, the recent debate about subtitles proves how certain people couldn’t care less about films that are not in English. It’s mind-blowing to me, really. What do you mean you don’t like subtitles? Have you been living under a rock? Is that rock called the United States?

So maybe I have problems about my own prejudice against my answers and against other people. I assume nobody would be able to quote-unquote relate to them, and so the best I could do is to just keep asking questions and avoid giving answers. Maybe I’m just overly critical, aka judgy, by nature. I judge people for saying shit like “I love relatable movies” or “my opinions are never biased.” I judge self-proclaimed grammar Nazis and I judge those who judge other people who don’t speak English with an American accent. (I don’t judge bad grammar though, because I myself can’t write for shit.)

Point is, I think I’m a terrible person. I judge everyone for the littlest things and I hate being in a position that forces me to open up and become the recipient of judgement. Even though I think I’m tough enough to handle criticisms lobbed my way, I’d rather keep to myself and avoid having to deal with them. That’s why I hate ice breakers, and that’s why I don’t like going to house parties, and that’s why I absolutely hate social interactions.

That’s why I don’t have friends.

If I could change one thing about myself, I would really love to remove the part of my brain that assumes the worst in people. I would love to be able to hold decent conversations with strangers and not recoil at every potential moment of vulnerability. I wish I could also tone down this gift of Finding What I Don’t Like the Most, although everybody seems to judge other people for stupid shit so it doesn’t really matter.

But whatever, right? I’m going to die alone, but we’re all going to die anyway. I guess I’ll just do better in the next life or in Hell, whatever.

Fuck ice breakers.