how’s it feel to be at the center of magic?


It is currently a couple minutes past noon, and I am writing this post to take a breather from the book that I am currently reading. I will not drop the title just yet — I am only a quarter into it and I can already tell that it is going to be one of my favorites this year. The last chapter I read made me cry. Hence, the breather.


Whenever I say that something had made me cry, I mean to say that it had literally made me cry. Tears literally welled up in my eyes, and I am clarifying this because I have a friend who likes to say, “naiyak ako sa kakatawa,” except she means it metaphorically. She finds something so funny she laughs and laughs to the point of almost-crying, but there are no tears nor sniffles — just plain, hefty laughter.


I don’t remember the last time I cried laughing, but I do remember laughing at work last Thursday. I was in a meeting with the managers and they were laughing over something I didn’t really get, but I guess it was mildly funny. I didn’t really laugh though. I smiled audibly, if that makes sense, and I was definitely nowhere near close to crying.

I did cry at work that same Thursday though, because I learned that one of the bosses whom I was laughing with resigned. I cried after everyone went home. I was alone at my desk tearing up, and I couldn’t quite describe why. The Boss Who Resigned wasn’t even my direct supervisor.

It’s difficult to verbalize, to put into words why I was heavily devastated over her leaving. I’m not even sure if it was necessarily devastation that I felt. It was some nameless emotion wedged between this and that, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just hormones, I’m not sure.


Also on Thursday, a construction mishap took place in front of our apartment building. The city shut the water off in the morning so they could do the repairs, but the damage was unfortunately bigger than anticipated. They could not turn the water back on that day. I could not shower or brush my teeth the following morning, so I worked from home instead. I also had to order food because there was no water for cooking or drinking.


On the same day the water pipes burst and I learned about the resignation, the CEO called me to her office. I swear, man, there was a lot going on that Thursday.

The CEO spoke to me and asked if I was willing to move to another team, which isn’t really a team because it consists of me and only me until they hire a new manager. I said yes though. I told the CEO I’m down, but only if I get to do it full time. The CEO agreed, but not without the caveat that my current team will still inevitably pull me in every now and then.

I don’t mind moving to a new team, and only because I don’t fully enjoy what I currently do. I do a lot of grunt work, and I am of course arrogant enough to believe that I can do a lot more. I can do a different sort of grunt work, something that requires doing math and building stuff, and the managers are aware of this.

This new team can help me transition into The Thing That I Really Want To Do, at least according to one of the managers who has been my informal mentor since the beginning of the year. Unfortunately for me, Informal Mentor is also looking to resign as soon as he finds a better offer. My current manager, the one I report to directly, might also leave, although she seems pretty solid at the moment.

I don’t know, man. Work is a little chaotic right now. I can a) just ride the wave or b) start looking elsewhere. I guess we’ll see.


Japanese Breakfast’s “Paprika” is currently playing on TV. “How’s it feel to be at the center of magic?” the vocalist asks.

If only I knew, girl. If only I knew.

Photo by Aidan Roof

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