attached pt. 4

Diary by J

1.

If this little chapter in my life were to become a TV series — think Fleabag, Love, or You’re The Worst — there is one interesting, uh, “event” that I’d like to pitch to the writers. I call it The Night I Learned What “Auro-Tadalafil” Is.

The setting: my dingy-ass apartment. I live in a dusty old building with elevator buttons so worn out they need to be duct-taped into place; hallways so musty they smell like some rancid concoction of tobacco and weed and Uber Eats food delivery; staircases so crowded the hoards of abandoned furniture could put Hoarders to shame.

Thankfully my unit is not as janky. It got clean vinyl floors, new kitchen appliances, freshly painted walls, that sorta deal. The light fixtures are not as new though, and my bathroom lights have been busted for couple months now. I brush my teeth and take a shower in the dark, with only the small glow of the cellphone light providing a semblance of brightness. (This detail may or may not be important in the story. I’ll let you decide.)

So, one night, the guy comes over. We eat takeout and we watch The Office, then things lead to things which lead to things that lead to things (ahuehuehue). The guy does not sleep over and goes home at right about midnight.

After the guy leaves, I go to the bathroom. I wash my hands and find a palm-sized clear plastic bag on my bathroom sink. The bag has a tear on the top right corner. It is empty. It also has the guy’s name on it and the words “Auro-Tadalafil” plus some other details like the name of a doctor and the address of a clinic. I assume it is a prescription pill.

I google Auro-Tadalafil and learn that it treats erectile dysfunction among other ailments. I wonder: did he need the pill because I was maddeningly ugly that he couldn’t get it up without any help from, uh, science? Did he leave the packaging in my place on purpose? Or did he forget about it simply because it was too dark in the bathroom to notice?

“Home na,” he texts me a bit later. I put a heart emoji on the message. I do not say anything more.

2.

Two of my dude friends visit me the next day, and I tell them what happened.

“Do I bring it up to him?” I ask.

“No!” says one of them. “If I were him and you told me about it, I would just ghost you man. That’s embarrassing!”

“Okay, but…” I say, “but did he leave it on purpose?”

“Who the fuck would leave that shit on purpose?”

“I don’t know! Him? Because he wants to turn me off so I will stop talking to him?”

“No, man. Men don’t announce these things. You’re just overthinking.”

Am I? What do you guys think? Did he leave the thing on purpose? Did he take the pill because he didn’t find me attractive and he needed the help? Why would a guy in his early 30s take it anyway?

I kid you not, friends, I sunk a good amount of time googling everything I could find about this pill. I was out of it, although looking back, I now think it’s sorta, kinda, medyo funny. Isn’t it?

3.

So I guess Glenice was right. It won’t be long before I start taking this, uh, “mess” seriously and start laughing about it. I still stalk the guy’s Twitter and I still feel a burn in my chest every time I listen to Babygirl’s “Over In No Time”, which I still do a lot. A lot lot. That song is just, ugh. Hallucinate your face when I’m faced with a crowd — ugh.

But I no longer expect him to text again, at least not until December after he comes back from his Trip to Ex-Girlfriend-Land and moves out of his current apartment. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. The realization has started to sink in: he and I are simply not a good match. Different goals, different interests. I wish he could have been more upfront and sent me message saying that he’s no longer feeling it but, yeah. All good. It is what it fucking is.

Featured photo by Deon Black.

20 Comments

  3. Miel
    Reply

    I feel like men won’t leave that on purpose for… idk, their own ego? Or dignity..? Not quite sure. I feel like men (like him) would do everything para lang hindi malaman ng ibang tao na he’s using that kind of medicine. Nevertheless, understandable ang pagkagaga mo Ate but I’m glad maaga ka nauntog! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Gleniz

            Haha sige eto ay base lang naman sa mga nabasa ko:

            Na simula pa lang ang dami na nyang red flags 😂 Tapos ang dumagdag ngayon ay una, burara at makalat sya so potential away lagi. So yes feeling ko di nya sinadyang iwan yun, burara lang talaga sya.

            Pangalwa, feeling ko nakaka-drain sya ng energy. Kasi if may ED sya, pwedeng mababa self esteem nya. Kaya siguro dinadaan nya sa panggo-ghost? Kaya nakaka-drain ng energy kasi kung maging in a relationship kayo, kelangan nya lagi ng assurance. Na kahit sabihin mong walang kaso sayo yung ED nya, magse-self pity sya lagi at laging magke-crave ng confidence booster. Nakakapagod 😅😅

            PS: Serious condition and ED and I sympathize, pero parang wala kasi syang redeeming qualities kaya I don’t care for him 🫢

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Jolens

            OMG I love this!!! Hahaha. Ito ‘yung gusto kong marinig e, hahahahaha.

            Although, honestly, I think ako ang mas burara sa aming dalawa. Ako nagdrive nung unang date namin tas una niyang napansin na ang kalat ng kotse ko hahaha. Kaya siguro niya ako ghinost haha.

            Anyway, okay na ‘ko. Hindi talaga kami magwu-work so okay na, kebs na kung hindi na siya ever magparamdam, thank you next. Hahahaha 😅

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Mochichi
    Reply

    The #1 is so funny. It’s going to be one of the funniest anecdotes you’ll remember for a loong loong time haha. Your friends were right, Jolens! Hindi nya yun iiwan nang sadya. It would’ve been so embarrassing if he knew he left a`footprint`.

    And also no offense, when I was reading your blog entries I really thought you don’t have any social life so when you said 2 dude friends visited you, napasabi ako ng “She has friendSSS!”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jolens
      Reply

      Di baaaa?? Nung na-realize ko kung ano yun, para bang nasa isang sitcom ako! I was like, totoo ba ‘to?? Issa prank??

      Tuwing binabalikan ko ‘yung mga pangyayari n’ung gabing ‘yun, parang may chance nga na sinadya niya. Pero may point din kayo, tho I guess it doesn’t really matter kasi ‘di pa rin siya nagti-text after n’ung Attached Pt. 3. Waley na. Ghosted na. Char.

      Anywaaay, I used the word “friend” loosely here haha. Mga kaklase ko lang sila n’ung college, dumalaw lang hehe. May totoong friends na ako though kasi mas madalas na ako lumabas this year. Year of Taking Risks ko kasi e, ‘di ba, so oo lang ako nang oo tuwing may nagyayaya hehehe.

      Like

  6. rAdishhorse
    Reply

    “What do you guys think? Did he leave the thing on purpose?”

    Maybe. Idk. I think I need more clues, more details, to make an educated guess. Like how long… it’s been since you first met, or how hard… it is for you to wait for his replies, things like that. Lols.

    Btw I agree that Coldplay was right. Nobody said it was easy.
    No one ever said it would be *this* hard. 😆

    Sorry naman, walang matinong comment or
    advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jolens
      Reply

      Kainiiiiiissss!!! Hahahhaa.

      Huy mhie, as one of the beri beri few male readers of this blog, baka may seryosong payo ka dyan? Baka lang naman hehe. Tingin mo nga sinadya niya na iwan ‘yun para i-turn off ako? Also, gumagamit ba ng gan’on mga lalaki kapag ‘di sila nagagandahan sa babae? Hahahha.

      Like

      1. rAdishhorse
        Reply

        gumagamit ba ng gan’on mga lalaki kapag ‘di sila nagagandahan sa babae? — ABSOLUTELY

        –

        –

        –

        –

        –

        –
        not.
        Tingin mo nga sinadya niya? — hard to tell without additional details. but letme.
        maybe he was in a great hurry that he didn’t notice it when he quickly pulled *something* from his fanny pack
        maybe he realised it after… na alam nya na alam mo na? kaya sya naging cold? (jk. no need to confirm or answer with details)
        if he did it on purpose, maybe he wanted to open up (if he’s the type of person who’d normally open up i.e., level of intimacy, communication, trust & betrayal rurouni kenshin, etc.) kung di naman sya yung tipong ganun, siguro accident lang talaga.
        or siguro gusto nya talagang lumayo kasi terminally ill sya? joke lang hahahahaha

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Jolens
          Reply

          Terminally ill amp. Kaka-A Walk To Remember mo ‘yan e! Hahahahaha.

          Yaaa, mukhang accident nga. Oh well. Bahala na siya sa buhay niya. Hahahaha. 😀 😀

          Like

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