thoughts while watching die hard for the first time two days before christmas

1.

I was hoping that by the time the Uber delivery arrives, my copy of Like Crazy would be ready to watch. False hopes, man. There’s only one active seeder, and my wifi is grinding at a glacial pace.

Now what do I watch while I eat lunch?

Ooo, Die Hard is on Disney+! I have never seen this film before — yeah, I know, welcome to Under A Rock Avenue blah blah blah.

Anyway, let’s do this!

(Spoilers ahead!)

2.

Bruce Willis is smoking inside an airport!! He’s smoking!! Inside!! An airport!!

3.

“McClane Residence, Lucy McClane speaking.”

Kids be practicing their good manners and right conduct when answering wired telephones. This movie is old!

4.

John McClane is smoking again, this time in a limo! Jeez!

So glad smoking is no longer as cool as it used to be. If you’re a smoker and you’re reading this, this is the sign! You gotta quit, man! 2023 na! Tigil mo na ‘yan!

5.

So this was “high” technology back in the day, huh? Touch screen? Fancaaay!

6.

“I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.”

Uhhhh…not cool, John McClane. Not cool.

7.

Man, I feel like my attention span can no longer focus on one thing and one thing only. I’m done eating, so I’m going back to drawing and watching at the same time!

8.

Alan Rickman’s Hans Gruber sounds exactly like Alan Rickman’s Severus Snape!

9.

“Drop the weapon, this is the police!”

“And you won’t hurt me?”

“Oh ya? Why not?”

“Because you’re a policeman. There are rules for policemen.”

“That’s what my captain keeps telling me…”

A fight ensues. The protagonist cop wins.

All cops are bad, and that’s on periodt.

10.

I’m liking the MacGyver aspect of this, not gonna lie.

11.

HOLY SHIT!!! The umaatikabong aksyon has escalated! The Germans are firing machine guns at John McClane who’s now dressed down to his wife beater! This is intense!!

12.

Okay guys, my attention span is real shitty so I will hit pause for now and listen to some K-pop while I draw. NewJeans’ “Ditto” is fire.

Also, the luminescence of this lighter does not at all follow the laws of physics. There’s no way a small sliver of flame could be that bright!

Anyway, I’ll be back!

13.

I’m back! Ended up listening to some SZA too. SOS is fire!

14.

Action heroes need some luck too, eh? John McClane is one lucky motherfucker!

15.

These screaming matches between hyper-masculine men are so extra. PUT THE GONE DOWN DON’T SHOOT PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING GUN DOWN — I mean, k.

16.

I’m still multitasking, guys! Here’s a work in progress hehehe:

17.

Ooo, Argyle be chilling!

18.

“They’re turning my car into swiss cheese” — aah, took me a while to figure that one out.

19.

“These guys are mostly European judging by their clothing labels…” HAHAHA

20.

This movie is very American-centric, no? The villains are all foreigners — mostly Germans, at least one Asian — and the setting that gets bombed and destroyed is a skyscraper named after its Japanese immigrant owner. Not very subtle dot dot dot

21.

Shet may missile! Literal na pasabog!!!

22.

Every time the villains yell at each other in their language (I assume German?), I hear the words in Encantadia’s Enchanta. AVISALA IMAW PASHNEA DANAYA RATATATATAT!!!

23.

Oh wow, Best Actor award for Hans Gruber! Bill Clay amp!

24.

Aaaah Bill Clay reveals himself aaaaaah!!

25.

Shards of glass everywhere and John McClane is running around barefoot? DAMN!!

26.

“When you’re a rookie they can teach you everything about being a cop except how to live with a mistake.”

You can say this about almost all professions, no?

27.

The Christmas-themed score is sending me! Sooo good!

28.

“This is Agent Johnson. No, the other one.” HAHAHAHA

29.

Ahk, I can’t believe John McClane got out of this! Pasty blonde boy should’ve just pulled the trigger! Kuda pa kasi nang kuda!

30.

Okay, that whole tying the fire hose around your body and jumping off the roof kineme WAS DOPE! This was the one scene when I actually wanted John McClane to live.

(I’m mostly just meh about him, tbh. He’s a privileged white cop, okay?)

31.

Did Argyle not hear any of those damn explosions?? Bingi teh?

32.

Aww, poor Hans Gruber. You were so close! You should’ve just pulled the trigger kasi!

33.

That John and Al bromance is *finger hearts*.

34.

HOLY SHIT THE PASTY BLONDE BOY IS ALIVE!!!

35.

AL SAVES THE DAY!!! OH MY GOD!!! Oh. My. God!!!!

36.

Okay, woooh, gimme a minute to gather my thoughts here, man. I mean, I am not supposed to like this film. It is hyper-masculine and it screams USA! USA! USA! with fists a-pumpin’ — yet for some reason, despite the gobsmack of stupidity and then some, I actually enjoyed it. Yikes! I can’t believe I wrote that!

But, like, legit. It was wild. It was funny. It was unpredictable. And even though I abso-fucking-lutely dislike all the possible allegories that can be attributed to John McClane’s character, the direction was gripping enough that I actually started rooting for him. I wanted the white policeman to not die hard. Like, for real for real. It was that intense, man!

To be fair though, I don’t think I would bawl my eyes out if John McClane died and Hans Gruber survived. I’d take a classic tragedy where the hero dies because of his own ego, hubris kinembular eme eme. But I am not mad about the ending as it is! I like how the last critical shot was fired by Al, the black policeman, instead of John McClane who at this point was just too horny and excited to finally hook up with his estranged wife again.

Anyway, that was wild. I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I wasn’t drawing on the side, or if I watched it with other people. But, overall, not bad. Die Hard is well worth the hype, my friends. Go watch!

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