I am currently in my old folks’ place for the holiday break. I brought all my computer peripherals with me — keyboard, mouse, extra monitor — but I forgot my laptop charger. Ahsjskdkslsljd.
This is my first time writing a blog post on my phone. I will fix the format later but, for now, just please hear me out — my saga with The Guy continues. Hashtag facepalm. Hashtag gaga. Hashtag ayoko na lordt please help me move on from this situationship tengenaaaaa.
I didn’t answer when he texted me Musta na that one time. I didn’t know what to tell him anyway. The following day, he texted again: Let’s eat?
Honestly, man, I was confused. Why was he double-texting me? Was it because the weather was particularly cold that week (feels like -40C!) and he was getting anxious about the coming holidays? Was he just horny? Did someone reject him so he needed me to soothe his bruised ego?
I was baffled but I was also…what’s the word? Baited? The seasonal depression was getting to me so his reaching out made me feel a little less lonely. I didn’t reply right away though. I was dealing with work shit the whole day, but just when I was about to sleep, I sent the message: Let’s eat! Haha. Glad you’re safe.
He replied with a Haha and that’s it. I wasn’t bummed; I was more surprised he replied at all. I didn’t reply back.
The next day, another message: Tara kelan? :p
I was happy he’s texting me again, but it felt like he was just trying to scratch an itch. I replied with a vague Lol tara.
For a brief period, the dynamic was flipped. He was initiating and I was responding with curt sentences. When he asked when was the best time to visit, I said Now knowing that it was already past midnight and he wouldn’t dare drive. When he asked What about tomorrow?, I said, Time?
We agreed to meet Thursday last week. I was mentally prepared in case he flaked and, lo and behold, he really did.
He texted at about 6pm saying that it was too cold for him to drive, his car battery couldn’t handle it. When I offered to drive in exchange for dinner, he said: So we’re not going to your house? I said we could, but then he said he lived too far and it was dangerous for me to drive. To be fair, he really lived far and it was indeed extremely cold that night. I asked him one last time, So no? He didn’t reply back until 12 midnight when he said, Next week :p.
I drove for nearly four hours on Friday to visit my parents. During the boring-ass drive, I tried to rationalize what it is exactly that I like about him. Why am I reaching too hard for this random-ass guy? Among all the metaphorical buko pie, what makes this guy special?
He’s Filipino, that’s one. He’s Filipino who, despite having lived in Canada for most of his life, can still speak Tagalog and Bisaya. He is also taller than me even when I’m wearing my heeled boots, which is kind of important because not all guys are comfortable standing next to tall-ish girls. Also, he has a good job and he appears to be in a relatively stable place compared to the other Filipino guys I’ve dated this year.
But I guess the biggest thing that gets me gaga over him is that I know him on social media. He doesn’t know that I know his Twitter handle. He has a pretty huge following so I feel awkward bringing it up. But I read his tweets every day, so I feel like I know him beyond the things he’s told me.
There are so many conversations that I wish I could have with him — about video games, about J-music, about Big Bang — if only he would communicate with me. I wish I could tell him, hey, I think you have a lovely voice. You are a very talented singer. One day you will make it big, even bigger than what you are now. Sana ‘wag mo ‘kong makalimutan ‘pag sikat ka na pero, malamang sa malamang, hindi mo naman talaga ako maaalala.
And that’s what sucks, man. The fact that I have all these speeches and monologues and conversations playing out in my head, but they’re never going to happen outside of my imagination. He never opens up to me about his hobbies, and he never hangs out with me outside of my apartment. It feels like he’s just stringing me along until he meets the right person — yet here I am, struggling to cut the rope.
He messaged me on Christmas eve. Merry Christmas Jolens. :p I hope you eat lots of good food.
I was half-kilig that he greeted me, but a realization kicked in: this was the first time he actually addressed me by my name. I became one of those girls who get kilig over the bare minimum. I didn’t greet him back. I didn’t reply at all. Hayayay.
I went through his Twitter again today — big mistake, man. He told this one girl that he’s moving to another province next week. He said he’s going to live there for at least a year.
I don’t know why, man, but my heart sank after I read those series of tweets. Why do people have feelings? Why do I have feelings? Why did the idea of never seeing him again bother me so much that I felt all the energy evaporate from my body?
I ended up texting him. Belated merry Christmas [blank]! Miss kita hahahaha.
He replied almost right away: Hahahaha. Miss na rin kita. 😉
Me: Weh? Gusto mo lang ng ano e. 😦
Him: Well kung gusto mo rin. Haha. Masaya din naman kasama.
Me: I really wish we hung out more. You’re moving elsewhere na no, sabi mo?
(He did tell me the last time we hung out that he wanted to move to a bigger city somewhere east.)
Him: What? I’m still here.
Me: But didn’t you say you’re moving to [blank]?
Him: Ah, not yet.
Me: Are we seeing each other next year then?
Him: I can this week
Me: But not next week?
Him: No I’m travelling next week
Me: When are you back?
He did tell the girl on Twitter that he’s moving to the east coast next week, so he’s lying either to her or to me. I know this is a red flag and I have no idea why I told him, Wanna hang this Thursday?
He replied, What about Wed?
I haven’t responded yet. I am currently out of town, and I was planning to drive back Thursday morning. I can drive back on Wed to meet up with him, but a part of me feels like this is going to be another tanga move. What if he cancels on Wed? What if he never meets up with me before he leaves? What if he was lying all along?
But also, what if he’s telling me the truth? He’s responded fairly quickly today — what if he really was just busy the past month and he now wants to give us another try?
Or maybe he’s just lonely ‘no? Maybe he just wants one last hurrah before he leaves the city for good.
Aaaah, ewan ko! Ambot! What do I do? Aaaah!
In any case, I know I really shouldn’t let this ruin the rest of my year. But how?? Aaaah. I need distractions, man! Aaaah!
Anyway, friends, I hope you enjoy the rest of 2022! Warm, tight hugs to all of you! (Please hug me back too huhuhuhuhu.)
Merry Xmas. Warm hugs from the pilipins. Wala syado comments. Holiday mode pa cguro karamihan. Ok, I’ll try to comment seriously, this time 😆
@he’s just busy: Just wondering, if may time na active sya sa twitter, pero di rin sya nagrereply sau?
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Meron. Marami. Ang tanga ko ba? Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhy
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Triny ko na dati tas unblock ulit tas block tas unblock. Huhuhu pano ba to Amielle? Huhuhuhu
belated merry xmas and advance happy new year.
ba’t di na lang ma-covid iyong mga red flag? -.- XD
Para silang virus na mabilis kumalat. Sana makapag-isip na rin nang matino si koooya para hindi ka na niya ginugulo. Lalo na kung wala naman siyang planong matino.
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Advanced meri krismas din sa yo Rup Ruo!!
Hayyy, kung sana lang no? Huhuhuhu 🥺
Happy New Year + yakap higpit sayo, Jolz! ❤
Anyway, alam kong alam mo yung mga dapat gawin pero wala tayong magagawa kung may mga moments talaga na gusto nating piliin yung gusto natin. Huhu
Pakiramdam ko, and based on my personal experience sa kagagahan (dahil marami rin akong kagagahan talaga sa buhay) dadating ka talaga sa punto na ikaw na mismo yung ayaw mo na. Yung di mo na kailangan pilitin ang sarili mong umiwas, umayaw, etc. So ngayon, hayaan mo lang muna sarili mo pero siguraduhin mong walang permanent effect sayo yan na talagang mababago ang buhay mo ah. Isa lang itong learning curve and wag nating gawing lifetime source of trauma sana huhu
naiintindihan kita talaga pramis ❤ labyu!
Jolens, belated Happy Christmas and New Year. I was away from this space for a long time. I came across this post and thought to add my two cents, albeit a little too late.
I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself. I get the dilemma. He seems like a walking red flag with all the push and the pull tricks up his sleeves. My only advice is to never give him the upper hand. Don’t let him decide when and where you meet. Don’t give in easily. I know, easier said than done. It will take tremendous effort and a whole lot of distractions.
Sending you the biggest hug. ❤