i don’t get it

A friend once told me that whenever I feel like I have no one to go to for advice, I should imagine a scenario in which a close friend is having the same problem as me, and that friend is asking me for advice. So, basically, whenever I feel like I’m at a loss for what to do next, I should ask myself: what advice would I give a friend if that friend is having the problem that I’m having?

Does that make sense?

I’ve been thinking about this advice thing because, okay — I know you’re already tired of hearing this but ahhh — I’m still hung up on The Guy. I know, I know. I’m down bad, man.

It sucks to admit but it’s true. I think of him first thing in the morning, and I think of him right before I fall sleep. I refresh his Twitter page throughout the day and I regularly scroll through the Twitter pages of pretty much everyone he interacts with. I know I’m being batshit crazy and my god I do not understand why either.

I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all. If a friend comes to me, tells me the whole story and asks me what I think she should do, the solution to me is pretty obvious: just forget about The Guy and move on. He’s a douche and he’s not that into you. Go look for someone else who likes you just as much as you like them. You deserve better.

And everyone has been telling me the same damn thing! Forget and move on. The Guy already moved to another city for crying out loud! He literally packed his bags and moved to one of the most expensive cities in the world without even telling me. Without even considering me! I am nothing to him and that will not change! I need to just move the fuck on.

When I asked my friend D how he got over being rejected in the past, he said doing so was fairly easy because the rejection itself was apparent. So I asked myself, why am I not taking The Guy’s cross-country moving and slow replies as blatant signs of rejection? Am I that delusional?

Ugh, maybe I am. I still believe that The Guy never explicitly rejected me. I mean, I thought he did when he stopped talking to me for a month, but just when I thought we were over, he texted me again. What the hell, right? Am I crazy for thinking that maybe he had a change of heart? We were even planning on meeting up last week, but the timing didn’t work out. From our last exchange:

Me: What about Friday?

Him: I can’t, I’m traveling again.

Me: See you next year then?

Him: Yeah I guess 😦

Of course I later found out, through Twitter, that he moved to another city on Thursday. He also recently changed his Twitter location to that city, which makes it official. And on the first day of the year, he tweeted something about needing to establish friendship before diving into a relationship. I have no idea if that was even remotely about me, or if it’s about some other girl. Jesus. I am delusional, aren’t I? Aaaah.

But that’s the thing. If I didn’t know his Twitter handle, I wouldn’t have known that he moved. I would’ve just assumed that he’s on a work trip and that he would see me again when he gets back. He’s stringing me along and I am willingly holding on — I don’t get it! Why, self, why?

I wish The Guy just told me straight up that he’s moving. That would have been easier on me, I think. My friend K thinks that The Guy didn’t tell me about the move because he wanted to keep me as a side chick in case the whole big city adventure fails. Maybe, ‘no? Or maybe The Guy is just a straight-up douche, a typical man’s man who lies through his teeth just to get laid. Aaah, ‘tang ina.

I also told my friend O about this little chapter in my life and she asked, “Mahal mo ba?”

“Parang hindi naman,” I told her.

And I mean that. Honest! I don’t love The Guy, not even close. We only saw each other for a few months, and our dynamic went downhill not too long after the first few dates. There was never even a time when I felt deeply happy. And even if we tried to pursue a relationship, I don’t think it will work out. He’s not quote The One unquote.

And, friends, here’s a bomb that I’ve been very hesitant to drop on this blog because I know it will for sure confirm that I have gone completely insane — The Guy supports Duterte. I don’t know to what extent because when I told him that I pretty much sit on the other side of the political fence, he promised to never bring it up again, and he never did.

So why am I losing it, man? Why? I don’t get it!

Ah, well. There goes it. Like Isla said, there will come a time when I will get tired of all this and naturally move on. There will come a time when I will no longer visit his Twitter page every day, if at all, and I will no longer overread every single tweet. Man, can we just fast-forward to that time? I can’t wait until I get over this phase. This shit sucks, man. It sucks big time.