sure. wait. what?

I spent the first day of March bawling my eyes out because of work. I won’t spill the details, but I will say that because of this, uh, thing — because of this thing, I learned that I tend to comfort myself by succumbing to consumerism and throwing my money at everything, everywhere, all at once.

On a single night, I shelled out $200+ on random Amazon stuff (I know, I know). I bought a bottle of Method floor cleaner, two glass dispensers for white and balsamic vinegar, a set of macrame plant hangers, one giant bathroom rug, a bottle of Manzanilla ointment — I bought many other knickknacks that I neither needed nor wanted, but the desire to take back control of my life was so strong that I just had to do it. I just had to. And then I signed up for a bouldering clinic and sculpture classes and squash lessons. And then I ate out pretty much every night. And then on days when I was too lazy to go out and eat, I ordered on UberEats or DoorDash. And then I bought plane tickets to a city I’ve always wanted to visit. And then, and then, and then.

On a positive note, I didn’t drink. I have grown. While my younger self would have spent money on beer to drink away her sadness, my current version (Taylor yarn?) had settled on retail therapy as her preferred method. I guess I could use an actual therapist too — they’re pricey as heck, but I’m spending money anyway, so why not throw the cash at a real doc? Hm, I’ll get there.

On the final days of March, I realized that I am running out of steam and cash. I was exhausted. I applied to jobs just to see what’s out there, then I got a call from HR, which led to another call, which led to an in-person meeting, which led to a job offer. Frankly, I applied because I wanted the validation. I needed to know that I’m good, that I’m valuable, that I am (or my skills are) sought-after. I am still teetering between this and that, but I am satisfied. I got what I wanted. I am valued. I am needed. I am…a little too misguided and soaking in capitalist muck that I cannot uncouple Self and Work? Yes, that. I am that.

So, overall, March was all sorts of a clusterfuck. I hope April is lot more peaceful and a lot more calm. The snow is starting to melt and I can finally see the concrete peeping through the melting ice on my way to work. It looks like real spring has come. (If you live in my area of the West Coast, you’ll know that fool’s spring or spring of deception happens at least twice of thrice on the first quarter of the year.) Fingers crossed, with the change of the seasons, I also start to slow myself down and reflect on my decisions.