sure. wait. what?

IT’S BEEN a long time since I had a moment like this to myself. Alone in the new place, savoring a cold beer while listening to Birds of a Feather by Billie Eilish and reading Funny Story by Emily Henry. My phone buzzes: sushi is on its way. This is shaping up to be a chill Saturday.

I miss quiet nights like this, which ironically happens during one of the rowdiest weekends in the city. Downtown, the streets throb to the rhythm of country music. Tourists and locals don cowboy hats and boots (we even got a company-wide email encouraging everyone to sport denimwear at work). And in a few hours, the city will glow under a canopy of fireworks, probably the one spectacle I like about these festivities. Nothing embodies joy and revelry like a vibrant display of fireworks.

If I were younger, I would probably be downtown right now enjoying the concerts and the overpriced carnival food. Even E was surprised that I had no plans of going this year (“But Metric is playing!”). Mm, I don’t know. I just don’t see the appeal anymore of weaving through a dense jungle of people while sweat trickles down my aching back and all I long for are a cold drink and a soft chair.

Damn I’m old.

My misgivings about this city-wide party are nothing but first world problems. Indeed, I live in the First World. And while I mull over how close(r) I am to Senior Citizenship, Israel continues to attack Gaza; a boat carrying migrants from Senegal capsizes while on its way to Europe; erratic rainfall causes flood in Bangladesh, displacing thousands and killing at least 8.

But I don’t think about world news on the daily. Often, I think of matters that are most immediate to me — work tasks, dinner plans, my method of commute. Things that are present — not necessarily urgent, but present. I rarely dwell on the past now, and I’m grateful for that. It took me a looong time to accept my current life, as it often does on the journey to acceptance.

I rarely think about the future either. And when I do, it’s usually triggered by movies. (The last time I thought extensively about the future was while and after watching Oppenheimer — make of that what you will.)

All this to say that I don’t overthink as much anymore. Past decisions don’t dominate my thoughts, and uncertainty about the future no longer immobilizes me. Maybe this comes with getting older too? Regardless, I’m grateful to have reached this place, even if it’s fleeting.

At the same time, a part of me frets over voicing this — expressing the peace I have found in living a privileged burgis life — fearing judgment from those I once knew. They probably don’t care, but there will always be a part of me that feels bad for struggling to fully embrace the expectations of living a certain lifestyle while in pursuit of a lofty goal. Sigh.

Anyway, there goes the fireworks. A plateful of sushi and two cans of beer later, I think it’s time to call it a night.