sure. wait. what?

There are three stalls in the women’s bathroom on my office floor. Every time I go in, I wonder: which stall is the least used?

At first, I assumed it was the stall closest to the entrance. It offers the least privacy so, logically, people would avoid it. But one day, just to switch things up, I took the middle stall. As I stepped out, someone walked in and visibly jumped.

“Oh my,” she said, hand on her chest. “People rarely use the middle so I didn’t expect you there.”

Well, that settles it.

After that, I started using the middle stall regularly. But I also started noticing something else — more and more people were using the bathroom at the same time as me. Maybe they hired more women in the office? I dunno.

The problem was, every time I was in the middle stall and someone walked in, I’d hear a slight hesitation in their footsteps. It’s like they weren’t sure which stall to pick. Normally, if one of the end stalls is occupied, you instinctively take the other end, leaving a polite buffer. But when the occupied stall is in the middle, it throws off the rhythm.

I realized that using the middle stall — especially in a semi-busy three-stall bathroom — is a power move. It forces people to make a choice.

I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable — even momentarily, even if it was just in my head — so I switched to using the stall farthest from the door. It’s probably the most used because it offers the most privacy. It’s probably the filthiest too.

Or is it?

While waiting for the details on the tariffs that Donald Trump has threatened to impose on Canada today, I decided to do what any rational and bored person would do: I researched which public bathroom stall is the germiest.

A 2023 study from the Journal of Clinical and Medical Research found that the stall farthest from the door (Stall 1) has the highest occupancy rate. Meanwhile, a study from UCSD suggested that the middle stall (Stall 2) was the most used, supporting what researchers call the “centrality preference.”

The first study was based on 37 observations on a single bathroom. The second measured how often tissue rolls were replaced in each stall over 10 weeks. Despite the supposed statistical significance of the findings, neither result felt definitive.

Neither study landed on Stall 3 though, which means that my initial assumption could be right. Stall 3 is the least popular. It’s the stall people overlook, the choice that only gets picked when better options are taken. Maybe I’ll go back to using this stall again.

Meanwhile, Trump has officially barged into my three-stall bathroom — but instead of taking the middle stall to assert dominance, he’s just shat everywhere. Now that’s power.

Just minutes ago, Trump officially notified the Canadian government about the 25% tariff to be imposed on all goods, except energy products, which get a slightly less awful 10%. Justin Trudeau (yes, he’s still up there, folks) is expected to respond — or retaliate? — later today.

Do you smell that, my friends?

That’s not the bathroom, no. That’s the unmistakable stench of a Trade War. Yoikes.