attached pt. 1

Medyo nahihimasmasan na ako. Medyo lang.

Medyo nakatulong ang librong Attached nina Amir Levine at Rachel Heller. Binasa ko kagabi kasi, ‘ayun na nga — hindi na naman siya nagparamdam. Pakibatukan naman ako o, please?

Sentral sa tema ng libro ang konsepto ng attachment theory ng psychoanalyst na si John Bowlby. Ayon sa attachment theory, may tatlo umanong pangunahing attachment style ang mga tao: anxious, avoidant, at secure.

Anxious: You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be…You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally…

Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships…You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.

Avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length…You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner.

Textbook anxious ako, mehn. Lalo na rito sa lalaking ‘to? Shet. Halos lahat ng senyales at senaryo na inilatag sa libro, swak sa akin. Hindi lang ako basta pasok sa banga — ako mismo ‘yung ‘tang inang banga.

Halimbawa, napakasensitibo raw ng attachment system ng isang anxious na tao. Mabilis ma-trigger. Napapansin lahat pati ang pinakapaslit na detalye tungkol sa kanyang kabiyak. Mabilis ding mabagabag kahit na, kung tutuusin, hindi naman dapat.

Noong una kaming nagkakilala nitong lalaking ‘to, madalas siyang mag-text. Good morning, good night, ganyan. Wala namang kaso sa akin kung makatanggap ako o hindi ng mga ganyang mensahe, pero n’ung tinigil niya — shet.

At doon na nga po nagsimula ang pagigi kong timang. Activated attachment system, sabi sa libro. Labis-labis na kagagagahan, sabi ko.

Kapag activated daw ang attachment system ng isang anxious na tao, nangyayari sa kanya at/o nararamdaman niya ang mga sumusunod:

– Thinking about your mate; difficulty concentrating on other things.
– Remembering only their good qualities.
– Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating thei
– An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
– Believing this is your only chance for love, as in:
“I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/her?”
“It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
– Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in:
“If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else.”
“He can change.”

Lahat ‘yan, nagawa at naisip ko, lalo na nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Bumulusok ang self-esteem ko, mehn. Pakiramdam ko, ang pangit pangit pangit ko. Siya na siguro ang kahuli-huling lalaking magkakagusto sa akin kaya dapat pag-igihan ko. Ipaglaban ba. I-push nang i-push nang i-push. I-text palagi, kamustahin maya’t maya, i-stalk sa Twitter kada minuto. Masisisante na nga yata ako sa trabaho kasi wala na akong ibang ginawa kundi isipin siya, o pag-isipan kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para magustuhan niya ako kagaya noong una.

Tapos tuwing nagre-reply siya o nagyayaya lumabas, kahit pa tatlong araw na ang lumipas mula noong huli kong “kamusta?”, okay na ulit ako. Okay na ulit kami! Para bang walang nangyari. Ibig sabihin, hindi ako pangit. Ibig sabihin, gusto pa rin niya ako. Ang saya!

Pero pansamantala lang ‘yung saya, mehn. Hindi rin magtatagal at titigil na ulit siya magreply. Hindi na ulit siya magpaparamdam. Kagaya ngayon. Alas dos na ng umaga at may pasok pa ako bukas sa trabaho, pero ito ang ginagawa ko. Nagba-blog tungkol sa taong malamang sa malamang ay mahimbing na mahimbing ang putang inang tulog.

Hay buhay. Okay, matutulog na rin ako pero itutuloy ko ‘to bukas. Susubukan ko.

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Featured photo by Caroline Veronez.

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